Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
