fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
