I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
