Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
