the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
