I cockslap morals
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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