you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
