Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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