There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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