M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
