I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
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