I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
