you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
