I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
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It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
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is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Sorry about my life...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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