wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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