My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
