somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
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I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
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They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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