I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
