Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
