I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
