life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
