I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Send help, water and tortillas.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
