Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
