I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
