I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
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You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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