what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
