my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
