i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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