maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
