what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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