I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
