i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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