just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
