There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think I just shit out all my problems.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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