12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I am mentally ready for anal.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
