I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
