Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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