Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
