Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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