i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
