I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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