Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You took a bar mat shot.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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