If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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