chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
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Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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