glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
