if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
