I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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