ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
