I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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