did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
