She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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