you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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