I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
