I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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