Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
