Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
