Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My vagina is officially offended.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
